Drive-Thru Rants

Last Updated: 5/29/07

Have you ever wondered what goes on in the mind of a hungry fat kid?  Drive on through (fuck walking) Ogyaf's mind as he rants about the important things in life: McDonald's Dollar Menu, Applebee's portions, pie vs. cake, Halloween candy, and more.

Drive-Thru Rants #1
Originally Posted: August 13, 2006

Okay, so here's my first rant.  You wanna know what's pissing this fat kid off recently?  No?  Well too freakin' bad!  This is my page and I'm going to tell you anyway!  What's been pissing me off is the popularity and overuse of the phrase "like a fat kid loves cake."  Don't really think it's out of hand?  Try Googling it.  Last time I did, it wielded 6.42 million pages.  You know us Juggalos (if you don't why the fuck are you on NorthEastJuggalos?!) and you know we like to keep things underground!  Fuck the mainstream, right?  So, why is our fat kid quote becoming so cliche and so mainstream?  That's just not right.  Furthermore, I've been a fat kid since I was like ten, and cake is not all that.  Pie, bitch, recognize!  Pie is where it's at!

Drive-Thru Rants #2
Originally Posted: August 27, 2006

Alright, you know McDonald's dollar menu, right?  Of course you do!  If you don't -- you live a very sheltered life.  Well, here's the thing: Fuck McDonald's dollar menu!  That's right, I said it.  First off all, Burger King and Wendy's has 99-cent menus!  What makes McDonald's think I want their food so much I'd be willing to pay an extra penny for it?  If I wanted to order one hundred things at McDonald's on their dollar menu, I could get one hundred and one thing from Burger King or Wendy's instead!  And next, things don't cost a dollar on a dollar menu.  They cost like $1.10 or some shit.  If I walk in there with a dollar, you best give me a McChicken, damn it!  Fuck tax!  I live in New Hampshire -- Tax Free or Die, bitches!

Drive-Thru Rants #3
Originally Posted: November 1, 2006

Yesterday was Halloween, right?  If you say "No" then you're a dumb-ass!  Halloween used to be so fun when I was a child.  I got to dress up in a costume, walk around the neighborhood, and get tons of free candy; how could I go wrong?  There is an unknown age-limit on this, however.  I'm a fat kid -- I love candy!  Yet, if I tried to trick-or-treat now, as an adult, I would not get any candy.  I would just get strange looks.  Fuck that!  Age discrimination is illegal in the workplace, so why is it allowed when it comes to a fat kid getting candy?

Drive-Thru Rants #4
Originally Posted: December 1. 2006

PK brought this to my attention, and he is absolutely right.  T-shirt sizes are ridiculous!  Something needs to be done about this.  Alright, I'm a Fat Kid.  We all knew that.  I wear a XXL or XXXL t-shirt.  Do you notice something wrong with that?  Yeah, I'm a big guy, but I am NOT extra, extra, extra large -- or even extra extra large.  Hell, I'm just plain large...  nothing more than that.  So here's what needs to be done.  What is called "Large" should be called "Small."  Think about it.  Who wears a men's size large?  Some skinny kid who's like 5'4" and 120 lbs.  How the fuck is that large?!  From there XL would be "Medium," XXL would be "Large," XXXL would be "Extra Large" and so-on.  What is currently Small and Medium can be shit like "Tiny" or something like that.  Fuck calling me an extra, extra, extra large guy.

Drive-Thru Rants #5
Originally Posted: March 29, 2007

I saw this commercial for TGI Fridays the other day.  The commercial was all about "Give me what I want..." and it listed some cool stuff that people might want:  Lower prices, more menus items...  and....  what?...  smaller portions?!  Oh hell no!  I don't want less food; fuck you, I'm a fat kid.  I want BIGGER portions.  And Fridays is not the only place doing this.  At Sub Way, you can get a six-inch sub (half of a real sub); I can't complain about Sub Way, though, as they still offer the foot-long sub as well.  At McDonald's, you can't Super Size your meals anymore.  But, anyway, what's next, I'm going to pay Fridays NOT to eat?  I can just see it now -- if this pattern keeps up, in a few years I'll go in and ask Fridays for their biggest meal they got...  and they'll send me back one french fry.  Fuck that!  I roll with places like Applebee's or Chili's....  Ya know, places that offer three-course meals -- not "small portions" snacks.